I very rarely suffer from frustration. I accept what is there. Since a child I have had a very positive outlook on life. Had this happened to me when I was younger 40 or 50 I may have at this age been grateful that I have had a full life. Disease is part of the ageing process. At an advanced age if it is not this disease it is some other, so what does it matter. Out of seven days a week, three days go for dialysis but I have four days. Instead of being grumpy about dialysis one should be happy. It is a life-giving process, otherwise one would be dead within a fortnight. I come here with the attitude that this is sustaining my life its my friend.

I don't know what may come out of me. I think I should take a camera and join the photographers and give my pictures to a newspaper. I would like to break free from being ex-prime minister. Even here, wherever I go the SPG goes. There is a very personal cost of being an ex-prime minister. Anartist has to observe. If the observer becomes the observed it is highly restricting. Even in India, if I were to paint, go outdoors, I am already observed. It is not a very inspiring situation to do painting between constables and thanedars. If you are not in touch with the world around you how do you create or write. There is always an insulating layer between you and human contact of the Government of India. You can never have direct contact. It is like shaking hands with gloves on. It is this rather than dialysis which is restricting. Dialysis is for four hours, this is for 24 hours.

To break out you have to break the shell. It depends on your total attitude. These cages are built by ourselves and we take external reasons as excuses. I have already asked the government. When I go back I will see if they are willing to consider my request.

No, because of two reasons. One, because my memory is very weak. After an event is over I don't carry it, it's over, gone and past. Events which are deep involving your emotions and feelings that's a different thing but all these events which happen in your political life, who remembers that; they're nor worth remembering. Number two, I think while writing an autobiography you want to write only what other people have seen of you and confine yourself to only that, interpreting what others have seen of you in your own way or there can be a level at which you write about your deeper emotions and things. I believe that the first type of writing is not worth the effort. You are not revealing yourself at all. Revealing what's in your mind, though you may have the courage to do that and I would not mind that but so many relationships that you develop through your life it can be quite hurting to some whom you are meeting on a daily basis even now. I think it is this inhibition rather than anylack of courage.