NON-STATUTORY WARNING : Any resemblance to making any sense is only coincidental

What if Narendra Modi was a fashion designer?
Nattily dressed pracharaks would be buzzing in RSS shakhas. Perhaps short half-sleeved khadi bandgalla in a peachy saffron shade. Linen breeches in beige with deep pockets hidden in the folds - would have made for a definite makeover. Namo would be a brand popular not only in Gujarat but the world over within the Gujarati Diaspora. The designer may also have won a Lion at Cannes for image makeover, if not sartorial design. The Namo brand would have also had a special prêt line on offer for the middle classes, sold only through malls.

What if Aamir Khan was a Gujarati?
At least, the setting of Lagaan (Champaner) would have been more convincing. The cast would not have spoken an eastern UP dialect, and the names of characters would have been Bhuvanbhai, Kachrabhai and Gauriben. And instead of numbers like ‘O ri chhodi’, the lead cast would have danced with the lions in Gir and sung ‘maare heevda mein naache mor’.
Also, Aamirbhai would have never supported the Narmada Bachao Andolan and given his detractors in the state a chance to ban his movies, Fanaa and Taare Zameen Par. The state Forest Department too might have spared him for shooting a chinkara on film. Hopefully, aapsi ‘bhai’ chara would have been at its best!

What if Gujarat was the only home to surviving tigers instead of lions in India?
Gujarat tigers would be known world wide for a unique mutation - shudh vegetarian and mewling softly in their moments of bliss, instead of making angry low growls.
To prevent tigers from wandering away from Gujarat boundaries and diluting Gujarati Asmita, the state government would have filed a PIL in Supreme Court and started a publicity campaign to claim 100 % Gujarati status for the Tigers, as opposed to it being considered just the national animal. Specially prepared meatballs - strictly of the vegetarian kind _ would have been fed to the tigers to keep them in.
And the state department for cow protection would be rechristened as cow-tiger protection department with sightings of tiger and cow friendships documented by the Gir Forest authorities, even live footage provided on a pay per view facility on Internet.

What if Gujarat was still a part of Bombay State?
Instead of Gujarati and Marathi, the official language of the state would have been Dangi — the tribal dialect, a mixture of Marathi and Gujarati. Dangi would be re-christened as Maguj or Gujma — on whose argument weigh more. Bombay children would be taught English, Hindi, Dangi in schools — the fourth option would be Gujarati or Marathi.
Raj Thackeray would have tugged at Dadar for a Marathi state capital and a demand for a brand new Gujarat state would pull at Ghatkopar as its new capital. Borivalli and Kandivili would throw their weight around the Gujarat demand while Surat flush with its diamond and textile riches would have vied with Ghatkopar to become the capital of new state.

What if there was no Prohibition in Gujarat?
Gujarat government would have to think of unemployment doles to thousands of booze-runners who never did anything else. Many voters would be angry that there is no more facility to get their liquor door-delivered with just a phone call, many doctors would be even angrier that they cannot get Rs 3000 to 5000 for simply certifying tipplers wanting a medical permit to gulp their alcohol without having to look over their shoulders.

What if Mallika Sarabhai had defeated L K Advani in Lok Sabha polls ?
A unique victory procession — possibly a specially choreographed jig showcasing the triumph of people's issues to go down as a landmark in Indian dance history.
Advani would have started attending all classical Indian dance shows as keenly as he watches all the Bollywood films. Sarabhai's publishing house Mapin would have paid Advani a handsome advance for his book : Strategies and Subterfuge : The Untold story of Indian Dance Traditions.

What if the CPIM came topower in Gujarat?
Co-opted by the Gujarati mahajans and banias - the party would have come out with a brand new economic theory — the Marxist- Mahajan Model — much like what the Chinese have plagiarised and branded with a Made in China label.
Also, Gujarat would have direct linkages with Shanghai, bypassing Delhi - Special Economic Zones enabled in each district. Cuban cigars would be exempted from sales tax.Cuba would have inked a multi crore MoU with Gujarat government - for the manufacture and sale of Cuban cigars in a public sector unit owned by state government.

What if the Vibrant Gujarat melas were made performance-linked incentives events for those planning and organising them?
If the industrial units promised in MoUs show signs of starting to function anytime within 50 years after signing, the babus responsible for getting it signed would have been given posthumous special pay and perks.

What if there was a Vibrant Gujarat World Food Meet ?
Brinjal steaks from Big Mac, Masala Soda and Bharuchi Sing standing in for Vodka and Caviar, whole cabbage roast over coals, Gobi lollypops, Barbecued aaloo — even outlets of Kathiawadi Fried Chikoos (KFC) — all to be wshed down with bubbly, satvik champagne.