History as physics

FOR all those who are confused by the new history that the Union ministry of human resource development is so kindly creating for us, I thought I would bring you HRD Minister Murli Manohar Joshi live...

Bhaiyon aur behno, namaskar, Jai Shri Ram. From now on, your future is in safe hands, because your past is in safe hands. My historians are, even as I am talking to you, working round the clock to bring you a vacuum-cleaned, error free past, a past that we as citizens of this resurgent nation can be truly proud of, a past that will bring pride to our pitrubhoomi. Like a beautiful carpet, 5,000 glorious years of our glorious civilization, will soon be rolled out before you in all its perfection so that your breasts puff up with pride.

Now, my dear brothers and sisters, you know that I am not a historian. But what of that? I have, as a PhD-holding physicist, evolved a Theory of Everything, even before my friend Stephen Hawkingji — whose real name incidentally is Satyanarayan Harisinghji — came up with the idea based on his famous String Theory. That String Theory concept, incidentally, is based on my Dhaaga Theory, which I had originally propounded while at my Alma Matriji — Allahahabad University, to be renamed as Prayag University, once we win that UP election. My Dhaaga Theory simply states that anything can be tied together with political strings, including studious disciplines.

My critics accuse me of rewriting our history without keeping in mind scientific principles. They are wrong. I have based this sacred project of rewriting history on hundred per cent scientific principles. We are, in fact, rewriting our history based on the Three Laws of Motion propounded by Isaac Newton. Incidentally, you may not be knowing it because western historians have been befooling us all these years, but Newton was not English. He was 100 per cent Indian and his real name was Ishwar Nityanand.

As I have been saying, our pure history writing is based on the Teen Kanoon of Nityanandji, which goes like this...First, an object at rest or in uniform motion will remain at rest or in uniform motion unless an unbalanced force acts on it.

In other words, dear sisters and brothers, the history written by unqualified historians will continue to confuse our children, blot our past and foul our future, unless an unbalanced force, such as ourselves, acts on it, as we have been trying to do now.

Let us now go, dear brothers and sisters, to the doosra bhaag in Niytanand’s Three Laws of Motion. The force of an object is proportional to the product of the mass of the object and its acceleration. This is a little complicated, my dear brothers and sisters, so let me try and explain its finer points to you.

What this really means is that if we are to purge our past of the malignant influences of history writing, we will have to create a force proportionate to the mass of the information we have gathered through our various accelerations. Do not be disturbed, dear brothers and sisters, by the secrecy that accompanies the secret experimentation that is going on in our laboratories. The same secrecy that was was brought to bear on our atomic bomb making capabilities at Pokharan will necessarily have to mark this project as well.

I have, therefore, instructed my humble foot soldier, NCERT director J.S. Rajput — who like the Rajputs of yore will defend us against foreign invaders — not to reveal the names of our scientists or the methodologies they are employing, until such time as we are ready to explode our fusion device. Finally, let us go to the teesri bhaag of Nityanand’s Three Laws of Motion. In an interaction between two bodies the force exerted by the first body on the second is equal and opposite to that exerted by the second body on the first body.

To understand this law, let us first explore the meaning of the word ‘‘interaction’’. Let us, for instance, see how this law works in real life. In the demolition of the mosque at Ayodhya, what did we do? Our kar sevaks exerted a force that was equal and opposite to that presented by the brick and mortar of Babur’s arrogance. Then they did something more — ek dhakka aur do, they screamed, and exerted even more pressure. Then what happened? The mosque fell in a heap of rubble. It is a similar process that is taking place, as those towering edifices of tyranny — those so-called history textbooks written by those so-called historians — are consigned to dust, demolished forever.

Now you know, my dear sisters and brothers, why only physicists must rewrite history: so that it can be done on hundred per cent scientific principle. Incidentally, even my man, Rajput, is a physicist, as you may have noticed. As for our historians, we want them to teach physics instead, starting with my Great Dhaaga Theory, of course.

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