Kiska band bajega?

THIS is the part about elections that I like best of all. The counting bit. Today, we’ll get to know the answer to that intriguing politico-socio-economic question full of quotidian contradictions and metaphysical implications: Kiska band bajega?

No, but seriously, today, we will finally get to know whose set of lies gets to travel the furthest in the mind of the voter. As political scientists have observed, an election marks that fine dividing line that separates what politicians are going to do for you and the things they are going to do to you. Which theory, in turn, is based on the foundational principle that politicians do anything for a vote and nothing after they get it.

Right. Once we’ve internalised this wisdom let’s go straight to Uttar Pradesh. The first thing that strikes you about this state is why on earth would any sane person want to drive himself/herself into such a frenzy to win the right to rule such a clot of primeval chaos. The next thing that strikes you is why does a state, which has some 166 million possible candidates — or if one were to minus the babies and the very old — some 90 million to choose from, have only three choices before them: Mulayam Singh Yadav, Rajnath Singh and Mayawati? It’s enough to bring tears to the eyes, the cruelty fate has displayed towards UP.

In any case, I have always felt this is one state that should be part of any dialogue with Pakistan over Kashmir, perhaps solve the problem for all time. We should tell Pakistan, as frankly and fearlessly as possible, that they can have Kashmir but only on the condition that they take UP as part of the deal.

With the additional clause that they can take only take UP, if they also agree to take the Samajwadi Party, the Bharatiya Janata Party, the Bahujan Samaj Party and the Vishwa Hindu Parishad as part of the deal. With the additional proviso that they can only take the SP, BJP, BSP and the VHP, only if they agree to accept Mulayam Singh, Rajnath Singh/Lalji Tandon, Mayawati and Ashok Singhal as part of the package.

Now this is one offer that the Pakistanis are going to find completely and conclusively resistible. Which means that we’ll get to keep Kashmir, after all. But it also unfortunately means that we are stuck with UP, the SP,BJP, BSP, VHP and characters like Mulayam Singh, Rajnath Singh/ Lalji Tandon, Mayawati and Ashok Singhal.

But to get back to that important politico-socio-economic question I posed earlier: Kiska band bajega? Well, I have my favourites but I’m not telling — not in this column at any rate. However, I have done some sophisticated projections into UP’s immediate and medium-term future and have come up with the following prognostications.

One, that UP will soon have some of the finest horses up for sale in the next few days — mares and stallions, young and frisky colts and old and knowing nags, bronchos and brumbies, chargers and cuddies, mustangs and dobbins, horses of every size, colour and description whose dung will gently fertilise UP’s soil, even as their neighs enliven its air.

Two, that the acoustic organs of Rajnath Singh, Mulayam Singh, Mayawati et al will be put sorely to the test in the days ahead as they will be required to do 24-hour cellphone duty. Three, that party MLAs will soon find themselves locked up in hotel rooms with only a close-circuit TV for company in case they tend to be too frisky for the comfort of their political minders.

Four, that should Mulayam Singh Yadav come to power, three things are bound to happen — Amitabh Bachchan will be sworn in as governor and his films declared tax-free in the state; Amar Singh will continue to beam from and be beamed on national television and he will get himself another Lexus; that the VHP will move in its stone pillars and keep waving its tridents.

Five, that should Rajnath Singh come to power, three things are on the cards — he will spend the next four and three-quarter years explaining why he cannot deliver on his electoral promises; every minister in his Cabinet — all 200 of them — will suddenly sport a brand new Lexus and holiday in the Cayenne Islands; the VHP will move in its stone pillars and keep waving its tridents.

Six, that should Mayawati come to power, three developments are inevitable — her Ambedkar Park in Lucknow will finally get completed; she will have her MLAs kept properly under control this time — each possibly equipped with their own ball and chain; the VHP will move its stone pillars and keep waving its tridents.

Which brings us to the seventh and final point, that despite who comes or who goes, nothing changes in UP. So to get back to the socio-politico-economic question posed at the beginning of this piece — Kiska band bajega? Well, UP’s of course.

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