I have a confession to make - I am not a cocktail party person. I can't even figure out the invitations properly. I don't know whether it's some kind of conspiracy, but every time I make it to one of these dos (which is not very often), I find somebody has gone and switched the definitions on the dress code.

The first time I went to a `Dress: Formal' do, reeking of mothballs and broiling inside a heavy woollen suit (it was the only dark suit I had) at height of a Delhi summer , I found almost everybody had turned up in Safaris. The next time around, since the code was `informal', I rolled up in T-shirt and chappals, only to find everybody else in blazers, gray flannels and Hush Puppies. Some even had the nerve to wear cravats!

I also have a terrible memory for names. Do you realise how difficult it is to talk to somebody (at intervals, admittedly) for an entire evening while dodging introductions, because you cannot remember the party of the second part's name?

Cocktail circuit chatter, though, is another matter. Here at least, I'm on somewhat firmer ground. Though I'm not one of the stars who know (or at least have the air of knowing) where exactly Chain Roop Bhansali has stashed the cash or which project was cleared with how much speed money; thanks to years of assiduous research, I now manage to hold my own as one of those dependable chaps who can always provide a couple of minutes of meaningful conversation on meaningful subjects. Not enough to gather a knot of admirers around, I agree, but at least enough to ensure that one is not despatched to cocktail party coventry - the head of the food queue while the bar is still open.

The trick lies in following the calendar. In February, talk about the budget. In March, taxes are a certain hit. In June, monsoon. And in times of recession, such as what we're passing through now, irregardless of what Dr C says, do not talk about the economy. That way lie dragons. First of all, you have to remember all kinds of boring figures. And throw numbers at anyone who's into his third large w & s and you've lost him. Talk instead of cost control.

Believe me, this is a guaranteed drink freshener-upper. Everybody who has worked for any length of time in any kind of organisation has experienced this. Because the knee-jerk reaction to any cash-flow problem is to turn to one's accountant. And accountants simply hate expenditure. Of any kind. Ergo, cost-control.

I'm not knocking cost control. It is sane and sensible not to spend cash which is not in one's kitty. The trouble is, when it comes to cost control, most companies appear to concentrate on fleas, while missing the elephants.Very little effort is put into identifying the areas of genuine waste or areas where significant savings can be effected through value engineering. Instead, cuts are invariably effected in the most visible areas of expense - which is an entirely different thing.

Advertising, for instance, is often one of the first to go. I'm amazed that this happens again and again in the best-run organisations, without anyone ever pausing to ask why, if advertising was so dispensable, huge sums are spent on it in other times. Anybody who disputes this has to simply pick up the day's newspaper - if the headlines talk of a liquidity crunch, it's a sure-fire bet that the issue will also be noticeably thin on ads.

Phone calls are another popular item. A company I worked with cut off all STD facilities on the grounds of cost control. The trouble was, calls still needed to be made, so everyone booked demand or lightning calls, costing four to twenty times as much - without a question being asked. Stationery is also a perennial favourite. Travel expenses another. A leading firm (you'll get the name when you invite me for your next party!) placed limits on travel by sales staff. Which saved a few bucks, more than amply offset by the consequent increase in phone bills, drop in sales and delayed collections. But yes, the average number of days on tour of sales staff was cut down from 18 to 10 days!

The underlying reason behind all these apparently idiotic actions is trust. Or rather, the lack of it. When it comes to the crunch - especially a cash crunch - managements stop trusting their staff. If you don't trust your staff enough not to misuse the coffee machine, how can you expect the same staff to work harder to pull you out of your financial hole?

On reflection, this is not so puzzling. Most Indian firms are organised on the basis of trust. Ultimately, power is delegated on the basis of trust, rather than ability. And the obverse of trust is mistrust. Which perhaps explains the MBA's eternal quest for `real' responsibility, which drives them from one organisation to the other.

Larger intellects than mine will have to ponder on that problem. Meanwhile, I have found a solution to a much smaller one. Whenever invitations specify dress as `formal/national', I land up in a salwar-kameez. After all, it is the national dress of Pakistan!

Copyright © 1997 Indian Express Newspapers (Bombay) Ltd.