Did you know that your friendly, neighbourhood LPG deliveryman is supposed to have a nose like a bloodhound? I kid you not. The poor chap's sense of smell has to clinically test above average, in order to detect even a trace of the stinkypoo malodourant added to the gas?

That's not all. If quizzed, he should be able to tackle broad questions on companies selling LPG, the physical properties of the liquefied propane/butane mixture in the cylinder and have detailed knowledge of, among other things, circumferential weld joints and pressure regulators.

He is also supposed to be armed at all times with:

a) `O' ring/joint packing for SC/MD valves, 10 nos.

b) Safety caps with nylon thread, 5 nos.

c) Portable fire extinguisher, 1 no.

d) Suitable rubber tubing conforming to Indian Standards IS 10908:1984, 1.5 metres

e) suitable device for removing/fixing above mentioned valves, 1 no.

f) suitable device for checking leakage through valve pin, 1 no.and last but not least, be seen wearing a `good cotton uniform'.

A far cry from the scruffy, non-communicative specimen you meet in reality, what? And no, these painstaking specifications are not a product of my diseased mind. For those interested, these can be found in detail in the Bureau of Indian Standard's IS:12936/90. And you know what? These standards are supposed to be operational!

If you thought this pushed the limits of credulity, try this for size - literally. There is an Indian Standard for men's trousers and ladyfingers - of the vegetable kind! ISI Mark bhindi bhaji can now be safely spilt on ISI mark pantaloons.

Now that we've had a good laugh, let's shift to Chennai, where hurricane laptop struck this week. And left Southern industry's finest gasping for breath - in admiration. I refer, of course, to the Andhra Pradesh chief minister N Chandrababu Naidu, who made an almost mesmeric multimedia pitch for Madrasi moolah at the Taj. With the help of his trusty laptop PC, naturally.

It was not merely the fact that he spoke the jargon of the professionals, although that itself was a novelty. It was the fact that he could convey a clear sense of `ownership' of his vision. It was Naidu's plan unfolding on the screen. `Hyderabad to Cyberabad' and `Vision 20:20' may have been thought up by some copywriter, but the art director was clearly Babu himself. The presentation was his, not something put together by a bunch of bureaucrats for yet another meeting.

I don't know how many of the captains of industry gathered there will eventually unbelt for the state. But at least as far as the man himself is concerned, there was no doubting his impact. If the Confederation Indian Industry (southern region) got to vote for president, he'll win hands down. A stray remark overheard at the lunch which followed was a good barometer of the mood of the house: "No wonder the World Bank's lending AP so much money. It must be the first time they've met an Indian politician who speaks their language." So what's the link between your fantasy gas deliveryman and Babu's CD-ROM? Everything. Because they are both, as of now, still largely in the realm of fantasy. One may have grandeur, a sweeping canvas and hope for the future while the other a humble glimpse of a microscopic part of business activity. But they are dreams, nevertheless.

This is why I find claims of being `world class' or `international quality' or even that much abused term, `export quality' from our corporates a little hard to digest. I also find it puzzling that so many of them hanker after an international certification like ISO 9000 or whatever, when their products do not match even Indian standards, standards set, one assume, allowing for peculiarities of local conditions. Of course, one cannot compare a BIS certificate and and ISO certificate. They are inherently different. An ISO standard is not a set of technical parameters for a product to match in order to get the mark. Rather, it focuses on whether an organisation with this certification has a quality approach to its work. But then, shouldn't the latter lead automatically to the former? If you place a premium on quality and excellence in all aspects of your functioning, shouldn't the end result of that enterprise be a quality product? Anybody who has bought an `export surplus' T-shirt does not need an answer to that. The point is that we are yet to acquire the kind of overall sensitisation to quality which certifications like ISO really signify. This does not mean that we cannot produce quality or cannot produce quality at competitive prices. It's not even as if we need a longer gestation period for this - our exports are a clear indications to the contrary.

But when it comes to the local market, the Indian consumer by and large goes at a discount. And you know what? The Indian consumer thinks so too. Which is why, despite the same brand being manufactured and sold in identical packaging (and for all I know, identical quality), the local smuggled goods shops continue to stay in business by selling the same stuff at a higher price. The buyer has placed a premium on quality. When will our business deliver it?

Copyright © 1997 Indian Express Newspapers (Bombay) Ltd.