Correct me if I'm wrong, but there hasn't been anything in the news lately about making cricket an item in the Gujral Doctrine, has there? About having signed an MoU obliging India to gift 150-plus runs to left-handed openers of other SAARC countries? Or is it just for some masochistic pleasure that we go and get whipped by Sri Lanka and Pakistan while giving a hiding to the poor New Zealanders? Will someone please explain what's happening?

Oh, calm down, I hear you say, it's just a game, after all. Oh yeah? It's all right for you guys to say that after feasting on the freebie telecasts on one of those desperate networks. Besides, you at least get to hit the nearest bar after the debacle to drink yourselves silly and abuse the bunch of ninnies. What about us here in the land of baseball and Michael Jordan? Halfway across the world, not only did we have to wake up at ungodly hours to watch the match, but we had to shell out $24.95 per tie to Media General Cable to boot, to watch Indian cricket die.

And as the bitter taste of defeat trickled down the craw at high noon every day, we even foresook lunch out of sheer depression. Not to speak of returning to our work-places and facing our smirking Pakistani colleagues. Would you blame us for investing in wigs and dark glasses?

And mind you, this was after two days of tagging their Foreign Minister, Gohar Ayub Khan, here in Washington, listening to him moan about the rape, pillage and massacre of Kashmiris. "And what do you think you are doing to our cricketers?" I was ready to shriek back at the end of his visit. "And with Saeed Anwar and Inzamam-ul Haq in your ranks, why do you guys need F-16s?" a friend wanted to bark. By the way, have you heard, the next time there is an Indo-Pak war, they're going to send in just 11 men in cricketing uniform...

But to get back to the massacre at Madras, what was the philanthropy all about? I mean, Anwar makes 140 of his runs with a runner, smiling ear to ear! Gee, the Indians should have supplied him with a case of beer and shammi kababs on the side too. And I hope our 12th man remembered to tuck him into bed later on and kept him supplied with comics. And did you see Rahul Dravid hobble along on a cramped foot? Do you think they'll give him the Nishan-e-Pakistan?

Let's face it: as they say in these parts, nice guys don't win, and ninnies never will. If you allow our gentle cricketers, they will even help clear the Pakistani national debt. Wake up, guys, these days the Pakistanis treat you worse than they treat the Mohajirs. Soon, they'll be so cocky that they'll start using their F-16s to carry drinks. After beating you up over 50 overs, even our rate of inflation was better than the required run rate. And after 40 overs, our asking rate looked worse than their inflation rate.

No, don't give me that damn hokum about too much cricket. If you can't deliver, sit out. Many professional sportsmen do that the world over, in many sports. If you want to play, don't whine. The truth is that most of our cricketers are pathetic wimps. I mean, have you seen Sunil Joshi run? I bet Sitaram Kesri runs faster. And that cute boy, Saurav Ganguly, he looks like he's been fed forever on rosogollas and mishti doi. As for Venkatesh Prasad... just one word: Thairsadam! Curd rice!

Okay, okay, so we shouldn't kick them when they're down. Just remember to write to me when they're up. Till then, think of some solutions, like taking up the issue with the United Nations. Or making Bal Thackeray the match referee. Or asking Sachin Tendulkar to bat 60 overs and make 36 not out. How about that? That should teach the Pakistanis a thing or two. That should drive them nuts and force them to change the rules of the game!

Copyright © 1997 Indian Express Newspapers (Bombay) Ltd.