Q. I am a 26-year-old motherless (since two decades) MBA and I earn around Rs 20,000 per month. I am in love with a girl who reciprocates and responds. I want to get married to her. Her father may not agree to the match, as my sister married out of our community. How should I approach her father?

Gajraj, Vile Parle

Many a times two young hearts, compatible in every way -- emotionally and spiritually -- have to face ordeals due to extraneous and irrelevant factors. A lot of heart break is caused and both end up with partners that may not be of their temperament and liking.

Society must devise methods (otherwise the young will themselves) to curb this phenomenon whose only utility is ego satisfaction of a few. You seem to be a well-bred, sensitive man and the most appropriate method in your case is the traditional approach.

Let an elderly person of your family or a mutual acquaintance, broach the topic. Your sister's so called social transgression should not be allowed to stand in your way. Do her parents have any other objections? Do they object to self choice (read love marriage) per se? Are they reasonable people?

Your sincere love and other credentials will ultimately help you. Avoid being rash or outspoken even if you are provoked or threatened. Aim to win the girl and not the argument!

The feelings and attitudes of your beloved is important, so check this out before planning your strategy.

Lost love

Q. I am in my mid-fifties, married and have children. Fantasising about sex used to give me an adequate erection earlier, but it does not help me now. My wife is beautiful but a little cold. I am now thinking of joining `key-clubs' and changing partners. Please advise.

S Oza, Mumbai

The thoughts, practices and performance related to sex, like many other functions, undergo changes at various stages of life. It is related to information, attitudes, experience gained, general health, presence or absence of any disease and `partner profile', amongst other things. The high level of sexual interest found during youth is tempered, disciplined and channelised in the later years.

Psychogenic erections (due to fantasy) are very common during teens and become less frequent and less spectacular with the passing years. Many men find that manual stimulation and other methods are helpful.

Whom you call a `cold' wife now, is the same person against whom you had no complaints earlier.

Are you visualising your own insecurities through a distorting glass? Is she trying to save you of embarrassment by `withdrawing'? Or is she perfectly satisfied with both the earlier and the present situation? The answer to these questions is important for both of you.

How many `keys' would you want to change? Wouldn't it be better if you were to find the key inside your own bedroom? Omar Khayyam in his Rubaiyat seemed to have your kind of predicament in mind when he said, "There was a door to which I found no key; There was a veil past which I could not see". Try to communicate with your wife honestly, sincerely and lovingly. There won't be a need to change partners as she would be a changed partner herself!

Hands up

Q. I am 21 years old and worried that I may have turned HIV positive as I masturbate and my knees pain. I have never indulged in sex nor have I ever tried drugs. Please advise.

Aman Chauhan, Mulund

It is important to know about HIV but, it is more important not to panic due to misinformation.

HIV can only spread when a person comes in contact with either blood or secretions of an infected person -- either through sexual intercourse, needle sharing medical procedures or organ transplantation and blood transfusion -- or from an infected mother to her unborn child.

Self masturbation does not lead to HIV transmission, even mutual masturbation is classified as `safe sex' by WHO. Remember, HIV does not happen out of thin air, we let someone give it to us.

Occasional aches and pains could be due to a bad posture or fatigue. See an orthopedic surgeon if the pain persists or increases. Develop a more active life style. Quadriceps exercises and knee bends (after orthopedic consultation) will help.

Copyright © 1997 Indian Express Newspapers (Bombay) Ltd.