Honorary assistant professor of Psychiatry, Grant Medical College, Dr Y A Matcheswalla, in his report analysed the teenager's persona based on the teenager's diaries.

His report, dated August 25, 1998, says: ``...signs of feeling of guilt as she can't live up to expectations of parents. She has depression with suicidal ideation, has low self-esteem, needs change, needs support, there is need for affection from father as father used to go on tours, she feels unhappy with her present routine, monotonous lifestyle, she wants to portray a very ideal image of herself to her parents expectations which increases her stress which causes her depression and suicidal ideation.''

``There is no light in mylittle lamp''... she scribbled, before the pale flicker that remained was violently and permanently extinguished on August 4, 1998.

Indu Anto's friend and confidant the diaries she maintained between 1995 and 1998 were a frequent escape from anguish for her. Receptive and patient, they locked away her secrets, never once passing judgement like her `iron daddy' and the ``raggers'' who upset her so.

The notations, which speak of an extremely sensitive teenager tormented by self-debasing thoughts and beset by suicidal tendencies, end a few days before the fateful morning of August 4, 1998, when Indu fell to her death from the terrace of the Sophia College hostel. A strong believer in Jesus, from whom she sought solace constantly, Indu displayed an unusual sensitivity to all living creatures. She also had a wry sense of humour which is reflected in an anecdote of her mother trying to kill a lizard with Bagon spray. Her empathy for the hapless creature displays an innovative narrative but the undertones area sinister pointer to her fatalistic worldview. When the going got unbearable, Indu would slide into fantasy and with her ``magic lamp'', she conjured up paradise. But punctuating the entries are references to suicide, which sprang from a feeling of worthlessness. Her morbid obsession appears to have emanated from her parents' expectations, which she never could quite fulfil. There is also mention of friends poking fun of her and references to ragging by college hostelites. One entry mentions hallucinations about groping for a ``home away from home'' during her brief stay in the college hostel. But nowhere does the girl explain the nature of the alleged ragging nor does she underscore its effect.

Some excerpts from the diaries

July 14, 1998: My Ist day in hostel. Some of my misconceptions about the orderliness and stringent discipline was all shattered to bits... ragging was a dominant feature.July 17: ..I meet two raggers - (Indu names two girls, whose names have beenwithheld to protect their identities)

July 25: ...Loneliness crept within me ... I wished I was emotionless ... All feel that I'm crazy.

July 29: All now call me mad. I hate. They call me cheeky, cheap, a spoilt brat ....''

1996 with some mention of 1995 and 1998

Jan 5: ...I saw many a time that I was left alone especially in this competitive field where one's sole object is for craving for success. Many fluctuations in my life lead to my downfall... Jan 20: ...You can only be free if I'm free.

17 and 18 Feb: Today I got up at 7. Read history. Then read newspaper. Daddy blamed me for not studying. He was screaming at mummy and me. I was learning history. Then Marathi. Later saw Lal Pathar a bit and went to sleep. When I got up Daddy forced me to go in the ambassador for my tussians. Reached in time. After tussians when they saw the car all mocked at it.

April 15: I can resist everything but not temptation.April22: Pleasure - this word has a great impact in our lives, our behaviour. To obtain it we spend our whole life time. This may finally lead to failure or mental satisfaction when we obtain it. Right from childhood to the death bed this is constantly attached with us. A child born in a cradle is a great wish star for their parents a source of Continued on page 5