Only, in the bargain, unwittingly and inadvertently, they add fuel to the fire. They have been adding their bit to her colossal heap of misery, instead of flattening it. They have been making her cry even more.It is not their fault. It is our fault. We have never been taught to treat death as a natural phenomenon that can come anytime in life. That should be accepted bravely. And that because of which life for the near and dear ones need not -- must not -- come to a full stop.

We have only been taught to live life kingsize, specially in these times of brazen consumerism. We have been taught to run after money, invest in accident andmedical insurances and earn so much that if, God forbid, one is hospitalised, one suffers no financial scar. You are smartest when you do this and with pride akin to a sneer, tell the world what money and wise investments can do.

But Death, which walks hand-in-hand with Life, from the moment you are born, is ignored. Especially untimely death, which is meant to happen to someone you know or to a total stranger never to you. The truth of death is confined to godmen whose philosophy most of us mortal beings consider a flimsy shroud for the enormous calamity called Death.

What's worse than not accepting death as part of life is not to know how to offer condolences. I have had close encounters with several well-wishers which have sparked off untold distress in our family. All, naturally, came with sad and depressed faces. Okay, that is allowed. Better, though, why not just look yourself, show your natural disposition: haven't you come to relieve somebody's sadness? To suppress the sadness that you feel forthe person and give him or her strength to overcome it? Or have you come to impress upon her how sad You are feeling? She doesn't need that sympathy as much as she needs courage.

More agony begins once they sit down. Some just stare at my sister, not uttering a word, as if waiting for her to burst into tears and then to magnanimously wipe them off with their kerchief or pallu. Others start off with an irritating tchuk, tchuk or say to others, ``Bichari'' (poor thing) followed by ``Tell us if you need anything, we are always there''. Excuse me, but when you are actually here you can give moral support which is more than anything else later, but you prove a liability instead! One person had the audacity to tell my sister, after a fortnight of the tragedy, that in a similar case the widow had remarried.

Another threw in a statement that ``vaibhav (prosperity) is all gone when you lose your husband''. Now if this is not adding fuel to the fire, what is? Several worried about how she would be treated by herin-laws now.Only some came with quiet dignity, asked about her fractures, how she was feeling now and how the children are progressing. They told her, ``We deeply share in your loss and we have no words to express it, but we will pray for you'' and that time is a greater healer. They said that ``one must see the good side also in such a situation'' and that she was lucky that her children suffered only minor injuries. Or they came, talked of lighter things and left, unburdening some of the mourning.

Now I know why some obituaries say ``No condolences, please.'' My seven-year-old nephew Rohan rang up last night to say, ``Mousi, I'm fed up of these crazy people who come to meet mom. They always make her cry.''