Yes, there were dark moments when I wondered whether it was still worth living -- Cronje
PRESS TRUST OF INDIA

LONDON, JULY 23: Disgraced former South African captain Hansie Cronje has said he was tempted to commit suicide after his involvement in the cricket betting scandal was revealed, media reported on Sunday.

The former captain said that he was not asking anyone to feel sorry for him. ``This tragedy is entirely of my own making. It would be easier to list those people I've not let down rather than those that I have. After crossing out my wife, my dad, my family, my team, my sport and my country, there's not much left,'' he said.

Cronje speaks of the moment he knew his life had changed forever. ``I knew the game was up the second I read the message on my mobile from the United Cricket Board saying that there were allegations that we'd thrown the one-day series in India.

``I knew that wasn't true but I realised they were on to something and would get to the bottom of it. It was a case of wait and see. But I had this horrible sinking feeling in my stomach as it dawned on me that my cricket career could be over,'' Cronje said.

``Everyone would get dragged into it -- my family, my teammates, South Africa, cricket -- but my first thought was of self-preservation.

``What I can't still believe is that I lied to my wife, Bertha and my dad that day. I don't know how long I thought I could keep lying but one weekend was long enough for me. I took legal advice and decided that I had to tell the whole truth,'' he said.

``Lying to my wife hurts. The one thing she's said from the start is that I never confided in her, even on April 7,'' Cronje said.

``My father is such a straightforward bloke, yet I didn't tell him the truth. I'm still struggling to come to grips with that. He's given his life to cricket and I feel that because of my stupidity this has damaged the good work he has done in his life.

``The trust that I betrayed as far as the South African team is concerned, hurt just as much as the family.

``There are many things I'm ashamed of. If I had my time again there is so much I would change. You just about to come to terms with the fact that you've lied to your wife, even when the story first broke,'' he added.

``Then you remember calling the South African team together to contemplate losing a game. Then it's the fact that you've destroyed your cricket career and reputation for money. Anyone of those is hard. Altogether it's a nightmare -- as traumatic as those three days at the (King) Commission,'' Cronje lamented.

The King Commission in Cape Town heard evidence last month relating to the scandal. Cronje will learn his fate when an interim report is submitted to South African President Thabo Mbeki on August 11.

``The two months leading up to the hearing were the toughest of my life,'' cronje said, adding he had lost weight, could not sleep and was on medication.

Cronje still seems unable to explain why he was prepared to gamble so much for so little. ``The first mistake was giving the wrong impression to a bookmaker that first time I was approached. I was stupid. I should have said `get out of my life. I don't want to be involved.'

``But I didn't. I fought at times. I didn't accept their phone calls. I didn't want to be associated with bookmakers and I didn't want to pass on information. But I always gave in. It seemed to me that the next time was always a little bit easier that the last time.

``I was being sucked in and that was nobody's fault but my own greed, stupidity and the lure of easy money got me into this mess,'' he said.

Cronje said he tried to convince himself that passing on information was not wrong. ``I didn't need the money. I was well paid for what I did.

``And because I never went on to the field to play badly or lose, or with any intention of doing so, I was able to convince myself there was no problem.

``Even now, when I'm fully aware of what I've done, the fact that I know in my heart of hearts that I never took money for playing badly is a small consolation. But I've not forgiven myself. I can't. I had it all and threw it away.''

Cronje said the Centurion Test earlier this year, where England won after he and Nasser Hussain had agreed to forfeit an innings each, was not tainted.

``All I can say is that England won fair and square; had Paul Adams not got injured I think we'd have won. I made the offer for cricketing reasons but I cannot be sure I would have done so if Aronstam had not convinced me that it would be good for cricket.''

``Had it been 1-0 in the series, there's no way I'd have done it,'' he added.

Copyright © 2000 Indian Express Newspapers (Bombay) Ltd.