Straight Face
                                 _________________PAMELA PHILIPOSE

Piecing together the peaces

Home Ministerji was gnashing his teeth. ‘‘First we have to teach Pakistan a lesson.’’

Have you noticed how everybody, but everybody, has a peace formula for Kashmir, which they then proceed to aggressively market to the rest of the world? Well, I decided to piece together the peaces by talking to the main actors in this engrossing drama.

My first port of call was Srinagar to meet J&K Chief Minister, Farooq Abdullah, whose numerous observations on peace should get him the Nobel Peace Prize some day. I caught up with him somewhere between the seventh and eight holes of the Srinagar Golf Club. ‘‘My formula is simple,’’ he said, concentrating on his tee-off. ‘‘Unless urgent measures are taken to give the Kashmiris a distinct and autonomous identity, nothing will happen.’’ I waited as he swung his golf club. ‘‘And this will not happen unless I am called the Wazir-e-Azam of the state, instead of plain old Chief Minister.’’

I had to concede that his observations made sense. Bidding farewell, I made my way to Delhi to meet PMji. PMji was his usual polite self, as he ushered me into the drawing room of 7, Race Course Road, where his colleagues, Home Minister Advaniji and I&B Minister Arun Jaitleyji, were present.

Just the mention of Kashmir got PMji very excited. ‘‘Agar firdaus bar ru-e zamin ast/ Hami ast O-hami ast O-hami ast — if this is paradise, it is this, it is this, it is this,’’ exclaimed PMji. I gently raised my question on the peace process. ‘‘See, we are always ready for talks. Listen to what I said in Lahore: Yeh sarhad kajkalahon key, ye sahad kajdoon key, yeh sarhad gulshan-e/ Lahore aur Dilli key havoon key... ’’ began PMji.

Jaitleyji cleared his throat and interrupted the mushaira session. ‘‘But PMji don’t you think any peace formula should include a 24-hour TV channel devoted to Kashmiri song-and-dance, apart from the one we already have which telecasts 24 hours of Kashmiri song-and-dance?’’ Meanwhile, a curious sound was emerging from Advaniji’s side of the room. The Home Ministerji was gnashing his teeth.

‘‘Culture for those vultures? Hrrmmph... First, we have to teach Pakistan a lesson, if we want peace in Kashmir,’’ he burst out finally. ‘‘Then, for lasting peace, we could stage a Sindhu Darshan in the mountains of the North West Frontier Province.’’
They all made such eminent sense, I thought, as I found my way out. On the road outside, there was what looked like a large bunch of very angry legs and hands.

The inexplicable mass turned out to be the Vishwa Hindu Parishad protesting against PMji’s Kashmir talks. I spotted Acharya Giriraj Kishoreji among the trishul brandishers and rushed over to ask him about his peace plan. ‘‘Our proposal is simple and direct. No peace negotiations in Kashmir can work without simultaneously burning dargahs in Gujarat,’’ he explained. Now how could I quarrel with such a dynamic formulation?

At Islamabad, I had the honour of an exclusive interview with Pervez Musharraf, the CEO of Pakistan. It was his safari-suit wearing day and his highly polished shoes reflected the light of the chandeliers in his office. ‘‘General,’’ I began, ‘‘how can you claim that Pakistan is a peace-loving nation?’’ The question seemed to agitate the General a great deal. ‘‘Why not, why not?’’ he shot back. ‘‘Pakistan is and always will be a piece-loving nation. All Pakistan wants is a piece of India.’’ The General’s words were remarkable for their candour, I had to admit to myself, as I made my way to my next engagement — this time with the leaders of the Hizbul Mujahideen at Islamabad’s Holiday Inn.

The Hizbul Mujahideen team comprised of large faces coyly hidden by large handkerchiefs. ‘‘Why don’t you guys come up with a better peace plan and bury the hatchet once and for all?’’ I asked. There was silence in the room as my question was being digested. Finally one burly four-handkerchief affair spoke up, ‘‘Sister, we want to bury the hatchet — once and for all. We want to bury it deep, preferably in the region of the enemy’s bowels.’’

This was reasonable considering how desperate these men were, I told myself, as I bid a very hasty goodbye. But what do all these peace plans mean for Kashmir?

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